Keep Smiling!

Someone (Drey, I think) said that he hoped nothing bad had ever happened on Halloween, after I told the tale of the worst Christmas. Halloween is usually a good day. Only one comes to mind that was miserable ...

Once, I was forced to fire someone on Halloween against my will (I was the Technical Support Manager, he was one of my techies), for reasons I didnt believe in ... and it made me completely ill. I even got written up for insubordination, but had to fire the kid anyway. I had fought to work with him through a lot of personal problems, he'd really come a long way as an employee ... he had been bouncing off the walls all day, had dressed up in costume, and at the end of the day "the bosses" announced we were firing him. I argued and fought and refused to sign the paperwork (like it mattered) ... but he was doomed.

I came home from work that evening and went straight to bed, about 5pm ... he wasnt the first person I had fired on the job, but he was the first one I took so hard because the reasons were petty and unfair, and I still think he was being singled out and picked on, made an example of. I think my boss hadnt gotten laid lately, so wanted to stick it to SOMEONE to make himself feel powerful.

Anyway, that was the worst Halloween I remember. Firing the kid, and then sleeping thru the rest of it.

I had an incredible imagination when I was a kid. I was always surrounded by imaginary friends and playmates. I had my white panther named Cougar, various horses, and a Tyrannousarus Rex that I kept in the basement. Since I used to walk to school, the horses stayed in various people's yards along the route. If you ever go back to my hometown, I can still point out where all of my imaginary friends lived. Cougar went everywhere with me for years. When we'd drive to Illinois to one set of grandparents' house or the other, Cougar and one or two of the horses ... sometimes some of the dogs ... would run alongside the car (of course, speed wasnt an issue). I'd lose sight of them every once in awhile, but they'd come around eventually.

I guess most of my imaginary friends were animals ... there were a few others. Invisible playmates that would come and go, stop by for a discussion or an adventure. I remember always having someone to talk to. I babbled a lot to my imaginary friends. I cant imagine what the neighbors must have thought "There goes that little girl, talking to herself again .... "

Actually, all of the neighbors knew me quite well. I visited everyone. From the time I was old enough to walk out of the yard by myself, I went around and visited all of the neighbors. Every once in awhile, someone would call my Mom and let her know where I was ... "We've got little Carol over here, didnt want you to worry..." since I'd never tell anyone that I had wandered off.
My imaginary friends never came inside with me when I went visiting, they always waited outside for me. They were usually sitting under a nearby tree, or stirring up trouble nearby ...

Why dont we still have imaginary friends? It'd give us someone to always talk to. Back then, they answered when we asked questions. You could have a real discussion with a non-entity. It made life more livable, and things made sense! Go figure.

There were geese running around on the roof of this building a little while ago. Never heard anything like it. Sounded like something was chasing them. I heard:

*RUMBLERUMBLERUMBLERUMBLE* *honk!* *honk!!* *HONK!* and saw two geese take off flying off the roof. I was cracking up. I was glad I was the only one in the office at the time because I was laughing so hard I was coughing. I heard other geese on the ground honking angrily.

I was chatting with my manager online and relayed this to him, and was informed that there used to be a border collie on campus, whose job was to chase the geese away - there were so many, and they were such a problem.

Ahhh, the work amusements!!

Because I really dont feel like trying to outline the events of this past weekend, I'm just gonna copy and paste the entries from another journal I keep ...

Saturday, October 22nd, 2005
11:49 am I'm Having A Bad Day ...
Right now, I'm just sitting here at work, but have had a fairly bad morning (nothing wrong, just a bad day) ... my security badge doesnt have 'weekend access' yet, but it's SUPPOSED to ... so I tried several doors first to get in the building at 6:45am ... no luck ... called my manager at home on his cell phone and commented loudly (yelled) at him to "get me in the freaking building!" ... (he and I had a discussion LAST weekend about this problem and it was supposed to be fixed by now), so he called security so they could buzz me in ... so I had to go in on the other side of the campus and walk thru buildings (all connected) to get to our office ... then an hour later, they announced they were testing the fire alarms, not to be concerned.

Well fire alarm testing commenced ... and continued ... with flashing lights, buzzers, shrieks and bells going off non-stop for over 30 minutes before I got up and walked out ... it was so loud it was making me dizzy and nauseous ... I had grabbed my cell phone and pager, and called my manager back at home on his cell and explained the situation to him ... told him I was away from my desk and outside for the duration, that I couldnt take it anymore. HOWEVER. Now that I was outside, I couldnt get back in, I was outside of the 'secure area' and my badge doesnt work... so I had to go back to the security desk. On the other side of campus. Going around the OUTSIDE of the buildings ... a few miles away. So I had to hoof it back to building 002 to have them buzz me in, so I could go thru the inside of the buildings to get back to our office here in building 060.

Do ya really think i'm leaving to go out for lunch??? HA!!!!!! d;)

(As I was walking around campus and building 002 came in to sight, I took a deep breath and sighed, "It could be worse. It could be raining." It's been cold and grey and misting ... but not raining. )

Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
10:23 am And another bad day ...
And today is worse than yesterday ...

Had a migraine last night, but spent 4 hours on the phone anyway ... woke up still feeling dizzy and nauseous and migrained after a little less than 4 hours of sleep. Got ready for work, laid back down. Got up and realized I was running late for work. Left for work at 6:30. Decided to see if I could get here in 30 minutes (it's about a 40 - 45 mile drive).

Yeah, you can guess what happened next, by the kind of weekend I'm having.

Met a State Trooper. At the point I passed him, I was only doing 70 in a 65 zone tho (I saw him pulling on to the highway, so I slowed down from 85 to 70). Apparently, passing him was a bad idea. He was fussy, guess he hadnt had his morning coffee, so he pulled me over and advised me not to pass a State Trooper doing 70 when he is doing 65.

So he checked my car, asked where I was going, ran my license and registration ... and then the fun began ... because, WHEE! My drivers license expired on my birthday, 6 days ago! Oh, the fun and excitement. I had no freaking idea. It's been valid for something like 8 years ... it hadnt even crossed my mind that it'd be expiring.

So he decided that the "passing a State Trooper, doing 70 in a 65" was "frivolous" ... and just gave me a warning ... and the penalty for driving with an expired license is ... not having a license. YAY.

That was so much fun, while migrained, and late for work, and upset about the phone call last night ... just imagine the rapture, the joy, the pleasure ...

Monday, October 24th, 2005
4:26 pm It Got Worse ...
So, yesterday got better ... *sarcasm*

About mid-day, the person I'm selling my Taurus to called and said it overheated again (a problem I just had fixed on Thursday). I told her this time I couldnt swap cars with her ... last time, I let her drive my Matrix for a week while I had the Ford looked at and I drove the Ford ... (I'm UNFORTUNATELY selling the Taurus to a friend of mine).

Add that stress to the migraine.

Then I get home and find out that psycho violent nutjob next door is apparently back. At that point, I couldnt handle any more ... I just locked my windows and doors, and went to bed.

I woke up feeling like I'd been hit a few times by a truck, every muscle in my body ached (EXCEPT my head ... the migraine had finally broken) and I couldnt stop shaking ... just the sheer exhaustion of pushing all of the weekend events thru the migraine. It's no wonder the three Vicodin hadnt touched it ...

So this morning, I ran my errands ... this afternoon, I've curled up in a little ball under my security blanket and slept ... and this evening I've got a Ghost Trackers meeting.

They have no idea how much fun I just had. How much that just meant to me.

It's 9pm, and I just got home from a mini-adventure. It was short, and cold, and breezy ... and I had a blast.

I had "the weekend from hell" which I'll summarize later. For this adventure, I was doing a car swap. I followed some friends, Maureen and Kelli, over to someone's house where I left the Taurus for Maureen to drive. Then they were driving me back home in a pickup truck. Kelli, Maureen's daughter, asked if she could ride in the back of the truck. Maureen said no - it was too cold. I asked if I could ride in the back of the truck. What could she say, no? I'm 35 and not her daughter. *grin* She tried to talk me out of it, but I LOVE to ride in the back of pickup trucks ... and havent done it in over a decade.

Since I was doing it, she gave in to Kelli too (Kelli is almost 16 ... and if I havent said this yet, she's one of the coolest kids I've ever met). So Maureen drove us back to my house ... about 10 miles ... in the back of the truck at 8:30 at night in 47 degree weather.

I LOVED IT !!! The stars were so bright, and the air so crisp, and we looked for UFO's, and went about 50 MPH on some of the roads ... so yeah, it was a little chilly. *grin* We were both wearing hooded sweatshirts, so that was enough warmth. We were being silly and waving at people and just laughing and talking ... and it was a nice release after such a long, bad, sick weekend (I even got my drivers license taken away, but that's another story. Silly State Troopers.d:( )

So it meant A LOT to me. My spirit is much lifted.

I've avoided writing about "New Guy A" ... mainly because he asked me not to discuss him on here... *grin* But who am I to listen? d;) Nahhh... I'll respect that request within reason ... I've removed/refrained from mentioning anything too personal ... *grin*

We're still dating ... things are going well. I dont get to see him as often as I'd like, but that's life. Let's see ... last saw him on my bday, we went out to dinner with two of our friends. I usually talk to him on the phone at some point every day. I look forward to it. Umm... let's see ... what else can I say ... just, I'm happy. I really like this guy. d:)

(I'll see if I can get his permission to write more .... *GRIN*)

Aww ... I just got told that I have pretty eyes!

I was talking to a coworker ... or a sorta-coworker. The entire (national) team has been in town this week for an annual event, one of the members of one of the teams I'm on (we overuse the word 'team' around here) stopped by our office to drop off some laptops. We were chatting for awhile cuz I'm the only one actually in doing work today, since I'm a contractor ... not a full-time employee ... so I dont get to attend the national stuff. We were talking about his wife and kids and their being in college ... and visiting Europe ... and music and stuff ... and as he was leaving, he told me I have such pretty eyes! It was sincere, not flirtatious ... so I said thank you. (The man has gotta be in his 50s or 60s, and I could tell it wasnt a flirt-y thing ... )

But it was nice to hear!!!

I'm sleepy. Sometimes I wish I'd quit dreaming. 'Dreams' as in stories my brain tells me when I'm asleep, as well as dreams of things I want for the future and/or present ... both kinds of dreams can be hazardous to your health.

I've always been a dreamer, in both respects. The dreams I have in my sleep are usually just short of bizarre ... something a dream analyst would have me institutionalized for. The latest quote "He's going to be ok, because he's my son too!" comes to mind, and I'm not EVEN going to explain the dream surrounding it. *shakes head sadly* Bizarre. d;)

As far as waking dreams ... one of the lessons I learned was that dreams had to be flexible. That was a hard lesson for me, "giving up" on a dream. Then I started learning how to make some of them come true. Unfortunately, it doesnt work for them all.

I turn 35 in 2 days.

35 is half of 70!! *boggle*

*grin*

*snicker* Ok. So I just proved I can still do math. That's about all that really means. I could sit here and ponder "What have I done with my life?" since I'm turning 35 ... and I'm not married, and dont have a family, and all that stuff ... but I have done a lot. I've got my house, and I've travelled, I've held on to good friends, and turned out to be a pretty decent person. I've survived A LOT ... not just survived, but pulled through and still been able to smile.

We moved to a different office building yesterday, on the other side of the campus (about 5 miles on the other side of the campus *grin*). The room we're in now is larger, and HAS WINDOWS!!!!!

I now sit in a corner (yay), sit next to a window (yay) and actually have a TV in my cube (*rofl*). Does it get much better?? Yes, I can sit here while working on my laptop ... glance up to my left and stare at the pretty sky ... glance up to my right and watch tv. Since we're the "special events" team, we have to be able to monitor the events we sponsor ... (US Masters, Olympics, Wimbledon, Australian Open, etc...) we'll most often have the tv on ESPN, but on weekends when I'm the only one in here, I can flip channels. *laugh*

Where they had originally planned on putting the TV, the ceiling was too low ... so they "had" to put it in this corner. Darn. d;)

And out the windows, it's not office buildings I see, but a nice courtyard with grass and trees ... the way it's angled, I have to look around to see the buildings. Whee!

Of course, that means it's going to be a b*tch to have to hike to the car in bad weather (had to try and find SOMETHING negative to complain about... *GRIN*) ...

So now even tho I'm only here 3 days a week, I've gotta "decorate" my cube. Bring in some of my toys to make it "my space". I hadnt settled in to my cube at the other office building, even before the summer layoff ... I'm liking THIS SPACE. d;)

OK, I booked my plane tickets to fly to St.Louis for Christmas. With the price of the tix, and the price of the pet-sitter, it's going to cost an arm and a leg ... c'est la vie. I made promises that I'd be there this year, I've missed so many family holidays in the past and spent them alone... I've gotta "get in to the spirit" this year. I was home for Christmas year-before-last and was actually able to sleep Christmas Eve ... for the first time in dozens of years ... hopefully I'll have a repeat experience.

We were robbed on Christmas Eve when I was a kid. I was 10 or 11. We were at church, and I was in a play ... "the little bell that wouldnt stop ringing". My character was 'Baby Bell'. I dont remember the plot, probably something about making a joyful noise unto the lord. It went well, it was a snowy white christmas, everyone was full of holiday cheer after church. We got home and the front door was ajar .. I had my costume and teddy bear (I got to carry Cobby, my bear, as a prop) in a brown paper bag. As we trekked into the living room, I remember looking around and thinking "Why did Mom and Dad choose to redecorate right before coming to church?" because things were a mess. I was young and naive and the mess hadnt processed as Evilness. I made it to my bedroom door and was pondering why my Dad's briefcase was sitting on my pillow, minus my pillow case, on my bedroom doorway floor, when I heard my Mom exclaim in a voice that was too loud and too scared "My silver! Oh my god, David, we've been robbed!!" I dropped the brown paper bag next to the briefcase and pillow, and got chills from head to toe that took HOURS to get rid of.

Looking around from where I stood, I remember seeing in to my brother's room - he similarly had a stripped pillow in his doorway (they stole our pillowcases to carry stuff) and his dresser drawers had been gone thru and his room was messed up.

They took presents from under the tree, silver, jewelry, binoculars, cameras, tv, clocks, etc,....

So anyway ... I remember just about every little detail about that night. How askew everything was. But mostly, I remember how invaded the house felt. There had been strangers in the house with nothing but evil intent on their minds. I've never been able to sleep on Christmas Eve since. I have to watch every car that drives by, I have to try and watch all of the neighbors houses for any sign of robbery, I listen for any unusual noise even knowing what the chances are that anything would happen while we're home. Heaven forbid we should go out on Christmas Eve! I cant enter the house until everyone else has gone in, and I'm sure it's "all clear" (tho I just stall ... I dont tell anyone that's why I'm holding back).

All they took from me was my Snoopy pillowcase, even tho I had almost 100 dollars in a bank under my bed (babysitting money that I'd been saving) because they figured why go through a kid's room ... but they stole my sense of security.

Just got an email from a cousin ... after surgery for the fluid in her lungs (since they ruled out pneumonia) they found cancer in my Aunt's diaphragm, and they think it may be microscopically throughout her entire body. Right now, she has tubes in her lungs and is apparently in a lot of pain moving and breathing. The tubes will need to stay in for a minimum of 3 days.

Once again, the alert has been sounded that the end may be near ... and all I can keep thinking is "PLEASE DONT LET HER SUFFER!!!" d:(

Sadness.

I was in talking to my manager awhile ago, when he asked today's date.

"7th", I told him. "My birthday is in 10 days ... that's how I know."

"Ohhh... " He said, "Turning 21 again?"

I shrugged and said, "Nope. 35. I'm not ashamed of it. "

I then saw both my manager, and my new trainee/coworker do TRIPLE-takes as they digested the information that I was turning thirty-five. I stared, and smirked, then had to laugh as they honestly stuttered "THIRTYFI...Thirty...THIRTY-five?" I tried really hard to keep a poker face, but couldnt ... HAD to laugh at their reaction. Gee. One had me pegged at 25, the other at about 28. Mwahahahaha!!! Chalk up two men who instantly got on my good side (at least for the rest of the day). d;)

Sometimes I just wonder about me.

I woke up this morning, thinking about everything I needed to do today to 'prepare' for the 3 12-hour work days ahead of me ... I sat here on the couch grumbling to myself about everything I had to do today ... kept adding things to my list of things that HAD to get done today ...

Then decided 'Heck with it!' jumped in to my jeans, threw on my boots and zoomed off to the therapy stable to help out for a bit. *grin*

My logic was... I could sit here and THINK about all of the things I needed to do, or I could actually get up and GO DO SOMETHING. At least it got me moving and motivated. d;)

I'm so confused about what day it is ... since doing the weekend 12s, Monday became my Saturday ... (woo hoo! No more dreaded Mondays!) Went to the beach and vegged. LOVE being near the ocean. Just the sight and sound of it. The ocean has so much power, it's mesmerizing.

Tuesday, took the Taurus to the shop, volunteered at the therapy stable, took a friend out to lunch and out shopping then in the evening went and played at WalMart with friends. (SUCH a fun store *grin* I could spend a whole day in that store. ) Blew bubbles out in the parking lot.

Wednesday, exhaustion from the past week finally caught up with me and I mostly slept. Did some dog stuff ... Clayton obedience class.

Talked to my Dad last night. My favorite Aunt out in Montana is sick again ... fluid in her lungs, but they say it's not pneumonia. They dont know what's causing it. Dad said not to worry at this point. Yeah, ok. "Dont worry about someone you love." I hate being told that. *grmbl* Dad is also worried about Mom ... the fact that he was even willing to talk about it was a major clue to the significance. This is the point where I hate being several states away from my family, when I'm reminded that both my parents are now in their 70s and I only get to see them once or twice a year ... but Missouri just isnt "HOME" for me anymore! d:(

Back when I was younger, I learned a cool trick. How to talk on the phone when you're asleep.

See, during the summer, both my parents worked so they would call home to make sure I was awake (heaven forbid a kid should sleep in, ya know *grin*). I learned to answer the phone and make myself SOUND awake and coherent, when I really wasnt. I could even sound darned cheery! *grin*

In college, I fine-tuned it so that I had some really grand phone conversations in the middle of the night... people would usually have to recap them for me the next day. I wouldnt remember a single word.

Last night after exhaustion had set in, my phone kept ringing. Sometimes I answered, sometimes I didnt. SOMEONE (*cough* U2Lorax) called me, babbling about IOWA ... my brain travelled away from the phone conversation on to it's own tangent thinking "Iowa? Why IOWA? Who the f*ck goes to IOWA? Iowa has cornfields... it's flat and plain ... people dont go TO Iowa ... they leave Iowa. Why does she care about Iowa?" apparently the whole time she's telling me why she's talking about IOWA. Ok, so she's really talking about IRELAND, but my brain couldnt travel that far while asleep. It hopped on the next flight and arrived in Dublin, took a look around at the Shamrock and realized "Oh! IRELAND! Much prettier here!"
I was laughing when I announced I was going back to bed. My brain had just had quite a trip.

Man, I just realized I'm turning out to be a 'cheap date'. *laugh*
So "New Guy A" came over last night .. we were going to watch a movie. I was pretty wiped out because I'd only gotten maybe three hours of sleep the night before, then had to do my 12 hour shift at work yesterday.

Came home from work and cooked dinner for us ... we talked while I cooked ... talked while we ate ... talked after we ate ... yeah, see where this is going? I never even bothered to turn on the TV. We ended up talking. It really was a good date! *grin*

12 hour shift at work today, 12 hour shift at work tomorrow ... then (again, weather permitting) I think he's going to come with me to the beach on Monday afternoon. Should be nice. I just want to go see the ocean, take a walk on the shore, sit for awhile. Should be mid-70s, and since it's a Monday in October, there shouldnt be a lot of annoying people around ... I love the beach in fall/winter (AKA "off season") *grin*.

For now, I've got an hour and 20 minutes left of today's shift. Then I'm going home, grabbing dinner, and GOING TO BED!!!! After 3 hours of sleep Thursday night, and only about 2 hours of sleep last night, it's been hard to stay awake today.